It’s funny how if you are a content single woman, very different people will ask you the same question. What is the most amusing part of their question is the tone their voice has when they ask. There is a sense of wonder and respect with a hint of horror in the way they ask, “Do you even want to get married?”
My answer is simple. Yes. I would love to get married one day but I know that God has me single right now.
God has done a lot of work in this area over the last few years. He has taken me from an insecure woman who didn’t believe anyone could love her to a confident(most of the time) woman who knows she is loved.
I could talk all night about the people and conversations that were the tools God used to grow me in this area. But for your sanity, we will focus on one person.
Once upon a time …
There was a quietly charming British man who stole my heart with his love for music, slippers and apostrophes.
Yes, he was a nerd, but he was my nerd. I had peace with him in a way I have never had with any other man. He felt like home to me and when I was able to show him love I felt so close to God. I was a puddle of lovey dove-y mush. But sadly this didn’t last.
Relationship tend to expose us and reveal things that we have unknowingly hidden away. For some this is too much and the man that I had fallen completely in love with, decided to end things.
Now, I am very accustomed to rejection and not getting my way but this knocked me off my feet. I plunged into a darkness I had never experienced before. In a blink of an eye, I went from faith to doubt.
Did God really want me in that relationship? If not, why did I feel so close to God? If so, why the heck did he set me up to hurt so badly? If I mistook His voice for my own emotions, what other areas of my life have I misunderstood Him? England? My calling to missions? His love for me? His existence?
For the next 8 months I struggled with this doubt. I barely slept and cried to and from work(God helped me hold it together during work).Finally as the pain began to ease, I saw the problem. The problem wasn’t this man. I mean, my heart still flowed with love for him but it was deeper than just a lost relationship.
All my life I had been taught that if you are a good Christian girl, God will bless you with a good Christian man, a family, a puppy and that cosy home you never had. And all my life, I believed this lie. My foundation was weak and when it was tested, it crumbled under my feet. I had hoped, waited and made sacrifices so that one day I could receive my reward but God never promised a cosy happy life for us here on this earth.
He promised to be with us, to use us for things bigger than ourselves, and to make us into His image. His blessing and promises are eternal things that will never fail and that benefit more than just ourselves. His main goal in life is not to marry us off. It is to use us a lights in this dark world. To draw people into His eternal family. Any earthly blessing is just the bonus material.
My mind was blown. So many things finally made perfect sense. I had been waiting for my glory and my benefit when my waiting is meant to bring God glory. God lead me into this moment of pain so that He could do some remodeling in my heart, my life and my vision for life.
So….Do I even want to get married? YES! and I’d love to be a mom! But if that in not God’s plan for me, I am not missing out on anything. God’s plan for me is bigger than a house and picket fence.
My question for you is Who is your waiting for? Be honest with yourself now and save yourself pain in the future.